Surly Dog Really-Slow-Cooked Beef Stew

Astute philosophers and heavy-duty thinkers are able to do things with words and ideas that are beyond the scope of my brain power. I have always been a simple man, and the older I get, the simpler I become. Ask my wife. She will not disagree.

There was once a pretty smart writer guy named David Foster Wallace whose essays I really liked. He wrote a piece in 2004 called Consider The Lobster about visiting Maine and it has stuck with me ever since. While I like Wallace’s writing, and his big old intellect, part of his problem was that he was not simple. He thought too much and maybe that sent him sideways just a little bit. I don’t have that problem. So, I’ll ask you, Consider The Beef Stew.

Picture this. It’s a dream scenario. Blustery winter night. Fireplace crackling, radiating just enough heat to keep you warm, but not so much that it becomes uncomfortable. Large wooden table with puzzle pieces scattered in all directions, seeking their soul mates. Slightly overweight Golden Retriever sprawled underneath. You are near your loved ones but not too near. They’re in another room doing something. Who knows what that is? Who cares? It probably involves something that’s not very interesting to you. At least you know they’re safe and that’s a comfort. Maybe there is a little music playing in the background. What do you like: classic rock, jazz, country, classical? Pick it. As alluring as this all sounds, which it does, something is missing. One of your senses is not achieving its optimal potential. Consider the beef stew. Here is my recipe. It’s simple to prepare and hits all the sweet spots.

Get yourself a big crockpot, maybe 7 or 8 quarts. Get yourself a big hunk of beef-2 or 3 pounds (chuck or round will do). Whatever they have in the grocery store that isn’t too expensive but don’t get anything that’s been sitting around too long. Get some carrots. Get some potatoes-Russets are good and so are Yukon. Get a big can of tomatoes-28 oz should do it, add more if you like. Sometimes I'll do whole-peeled and sometimes I’ll do diced. It depends on my mood and what I have handy. Be careful with the tomatoes because they can take over the flavor of the stew if you put in too much. Throw in some mushrooms if you like those. Maybe you like onions. Put them in too. Also, get some beef stock. Enough to fill up your crock. It makes the flavor really rich. Hells bells, you can really put in anything you like. This is your dream scenario, not mine. Let’s not forget the spices: salt, pepper, maybe some garlic, oregano, why not some red wine? Dump a glassful in. What do you have on hand? It’s all good.

Here’s the deal with the beef. You can do a couple of different things with it. You can sear it, you can cut it into chunks before you put it in if you like but I say nope. Put the entire slab in and cook the shit out of it. This is not a quick recipe. You are in this for the long haul. This one is 24 hours plus. After it has fully cooked, fork the meat into edible portions. That’s why it’s so great. It is a double bonus. First, the smell takes over and you get to bask in that for the longest time. I believe it’s called aromatherapy. And then, you get to eat it.

This is where the magic happens. Hit that jigsaw puzzle hard. You are in your zone. Every sense is being satisfied. Touch. Taste. Smell. Sight. Hearing. What else can you ask for?

Let it stew in that crockpot overnight and prepare yourself for a couple of fantastic bowls of heaven the next day. And the next day.

Note to readers: There are several malcontents who would like to offer opinions, misguided as they may be. Surly Dog daughters don’t like the aroma as much as I do. They are wrong. Surly Dog wife doesn’t like beef stew. She is also wrong. Also, David Foster Wallace killed himself. He did not consider anyone.